my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
