Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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