I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
