Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
