I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
