Princesses don't give blow jobs
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
it's like heaven, but drunker
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
