And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
