i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize