I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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