After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
