I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
