I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
