Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
