proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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