Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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