he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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