Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
