i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
