he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?