Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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