So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
