I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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