Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i think im in europe. pls send help
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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