If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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