I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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