Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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