Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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