i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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