Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
