when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
