You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
