You're earring is so big in my mouth
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
