My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
