using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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