Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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