I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
