Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
