he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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