Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize