i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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