batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
