he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
