So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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