Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
