i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
