last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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