I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
