I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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