i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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