Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
