so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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