Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
