I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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