Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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