Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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