The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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